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Oliver Goldsmith
She Stoops to Conquer (Act 4)
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ACT THE FOURTH.


Enter HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE.


HASTINGS. You surprise me; Sir Charles Marlow expected here this
night! Where have you had your information?

MISS NEVILLE. You may depend upon it. I just saw his letter to Mr.
Hardcastle, in which he tells him he intends setting out a few hours
after his son.

HASTINGS. Then, my Constance, all must be completed before he
arrives. He knows me; and should he find me here, would discover
my name, and perhaps my designs, to the rest of the family.

MISS NEVILLE. The jewels, I hope, are safe?

HASTINGS. Yes, yes, I have sent them to Marlow, who keeps the
keys of our baggage. In the mean time, I'll go to prepare matters
for our elopement. I have had the 'squire's promise of a fresh pair
of horses; and if I should not see him again, will write him further
directions. [Exit.]

MISS NEVILLE. Well! success attend you. In the mean time I'll go
and amuse my aunt with the old pretence of a violent passion for
my cousin. [Exit.]


Enter MARLOW, followed by a Servant.


MARLOW. I wonder what Hastings could mean by sending me so
valuable a thing as a casket to keep for him, when he knows the
only place I have is the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door. Have
you deposited the casket with the landlady, as I ordered you?
Have you put it into her own hands?

SERVANT. Yes, your honour.

MARLOW. She said she'd keep it safe, did she?

SERVANT. Yes, she said she'd keep it safe enough; she asked me
how I came by it; and she said she had a great mind to make me
give an account of myself. [Exit Servant.]

MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! They're safe, however. What an unaccountable
set of beings have we got amongst! This little bar-maid though runs
in my head most strangely, and drives out the absurdities of all the
rest of the family. She's mine, she must be mine, or I'm greatly
mistaken.


Enter HASTINGS.


HASTINGS. Bless me! I quite forgot to tell her that I intended
to prepare at the bottom of the garden. Marlow here, and in
spirits too!

MARLOW. Give me joy, George! Crown me, shadow me with
laurels! Well, George, after all, we modest fellows don't want
for success among the women.

HASTINGS. Some women, you mean. But what success has
your honour's modesty been crowned with now, that it grows
so insolent upon us?

MARLOW. Didn't you see the tempting, brisk, lovely little thing,
that runs about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle?

HASTINGS. Well, and what then?

MARLOW. She's mine, you rogue you. Such fire, such motion,
such eyes, such lips; but, egad! she would not let me kiss them
though.

HASTINGS. But are you so sure, so very sure of her?

MARLOW. Why, man, she talked of showing me her work above
stairs, and I am to improve the pattern.

HASTINGS. But how can you, Charles, go about to rob a woman
of her honour?

MARLOW. Pshaw! pshaw! We all know the honour of the bar-maid
of an inn. I don't intend to rob her, take my word for it; there's
nothing in this house I shan't honestly pay for.

HASTINGS. I believe the girl has virtue.

MARLOW. And if she has, I should be the last man in the world
that would attempt to corrupt it.

HASTINGS. You have taken care, I hope, of the casket I sent
you to lock up? Is it in safety?

MARLOW. Yes, yes. It's safe enough. I have taken care of it.
But how could you think the seat of a post-coach at an inn-door
a place of safety? Ah! numskull! I have taken better precautions
for you than you did for yourself-- I have--

HASTINGS. What?

MARLOW. I have sent it to the landlady to keep for you.

HASTINGS. To the landlady!

MARLOW. The landlady.

HASTINGS. You did?

MARLOW. I did. She's to be answerable for its forthcoming, you
know.

HASTINGS. Yes, she'll bring it forth with a witness.

MARLOW. Wasn't I right? I believe you'll allow that I acted
prudently upon this occasion.

HASTINGS. (Aside.) He must not see my uneasiness.

MARLOW. You seem a little disconcerted though, methinks. Sure
nothing has happened?

HASTINGS. No, nothing. Never was in better spirits in all my life.
And so you left it with the landlady, who, no doubt, very readily
undertook the charge.

MARLOW. Rather too readily. For she not only kept the casket,
but, through her great precaution, was going to keep the
messenger too. Ha! ha! ha!

HASTINGS. He! he! he! They're safe, however.

MARLOW. As a guinea in a miser's purse.

HASTINGS. (Aside.) So now all hopes of fortune are at an end,
and we must set off without it. (To him.) Well, Charles, I'll leave
you to your meditations on the pretty bar-maid, and, he! he! he!
may you be as successful for yourself, as you have been for me!
[Exit.]

MARLOW. Thank ye, George: I ask no more. Ha! ha! ha!


Enter HARDCASTLE.


HARDCASTLE. I no longer know my own house. It's turned all
topsy-turvy. His servants have got drunk already. I'll bear it no
longer; and yet, from my respect for his father, I'll be calm. (To
him.) Mr. Marlow, your servant. I'm your very humble servant.
(Bowing low.)

MARLOW. Sir, your humble servant. (Aside.) What's to be the
wonder now?

HARDCASTLE. I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no
man alive ought to be more welcome than your father's son,
sir. I hope you think so?

MARLOW. I do from my soul, sir. I don't want much entreaty.
I generally make my father's son welcome wherever he goes.

HARDCASTLE. I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But though
I say nothing to your own conduct, that of your servants is
insufferable. Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad
example in this house, I assure you.

MARLOW. I protest, my very good sir, that is no fault of mine.
If they don't drink as they ought, they are to blame. I ordered
them not to spare the cellar. I did, I assure you. (To the side
scene.) Here, let one of my servants come up. (To him.) My
positive directions were, that as I did not drink myself, they
should make up for my deficiencies below.

HARDCASTLE. Then they had your orders for what they do? I'm
satisfied!

MARLOW. They had, I assure you. You shall hear from one of
themselves.


Enter Servant, drunk.


MARLOW. You, Jeremy! Come forward, sirrah! What were my
orders? Were you not told to drink freely, and call for what you
thought fit, for the good of the house?

HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) I begin to lose my patience.

JEREMY. Please your honour, liberty and Fleet-street for ever!
Though I'm but a servant, I'm as good as another man. I'll drink
for no man before supper, sir, damme! Good liquor will sit upon
a good supper, but a good supper will not sit upon-- hiccup--
on my conscience, sir.

MARLOW. You see, my old friend, the fellow is as drunk as he
can possibly be. I don't know what you'd have more, unless
you'd have the poor devil soused in a beer-barrel.

HARDCASTLE. Zounds! he'll drive me distracted, if I contain myself
any longer. Mr. Marlow--Sir; I have submitted to your insolence
for more than four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming to
an end. I'm now resolved to be master here, sir; and I desire that
you and your drunken pack may leave my house directly.

MARLOW. Leave your house!----Sure you jest, my good friend!
What? when I'm doing what I can to please you.

HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, you don't please me; so I desire you'll
leave my house.

MARLOW. Sure you cannot be serious? At this time o' night, and
such a night? You only mean to banter me.

HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, I'm serious! and now that my passions
are roused, I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I
command you to leave it directly.

MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! A puddle in a storm. I shan't stir a step, I
assure you. (In a serious tone.) This your house, fellow! It's my
house. This is my house. Mine, while I choose to stay. What right
have you to bid me leave this house, sir? I never met with such
impudence, curse me; never in my whole life before.

HARDCASTLE. Nor I, confound me if ever I did. To come to my
house, to call for what he likes, to turn me out of my own chair,
to insult the family, to order his servants to get drunk, and then
to tell me, "This house is mine, sir." By all that's impudent, it
makes me laugh. Ha! ha! ha! Pray, sir (bantering), as you take
the house, what think you of taking the rest of the furniture?
There's a pair of silver candlesticks, and there's a fire-screen,
and here's a pair of brazen-nosed bellows; perhaps you may
take a fancy to them?

MARLOW. Bring me your bill, sir; bring me your bill, and let's
make no more words about it.

HARDCASTLE. There are a set of prints, too. What think you
of the Rake's Progress, for your own apartment?

MARLOW. Bring me your bill, I say; and I'll leave you and your
infernal house directly.

HARDCASTLE. Then there's a mahogany table that you may see
your own face in.

MARLOW. My bill, I say.

HARDCASTLE. I had forgot the great chair for your own particular
slumbers, after a hearty meal.

MARLOW. Zounds! bring me my bill, I say, and let's hear no
more on't.

HARDCASTLE. Young man, young man, from your father's letter
to me, I was taught to expect a well-bred modest man as a
visitor here, but now I find him no better than a coxcomb and
a bully; but he will be down here presently, and shall hear
more of it. [Exit.]

MARLOW. How's this? Sure I have not mistaken the house.
Everything looks like an inn. The servants cry, coming; the
attendance is awkward; the bar-maid, too, to attend us. But
she's here, and will further inform me. Whither so fast, child?
A word with you.


Enter MISS HARDCASTLE.


MISS HARDCASTLE. Let it be short, then. I'm in a hurry.
(Aside.) I believe be begins to find out his mistake. But it's too
soon quite to undeceive him.

MARLOW. Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you,
and what may your business in this house be?

MISS HARDCASTLE. A relation of the family, sir.

MARLOW. What, a poor relation.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir. A poor relation, appointed to keep
the keys, and to see that the guests want nothing in my power
to give them.

MARLOW. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Inn! O law-- what brought that in your head?
One of the best families in the country keep an inn-- Ha! ha! ha!
old Mr. Hardcastle's house an inn!

MARLOW. Mr. Hardcastle's house! Is this Mr. Hardcastle's house,
child?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure! Whose else should it be?

MARLOW. So then, all's out, and I have been damnably imposed
on. O, confound my stupid head, I shall be laughed at over the
whole town. I shall be stuck up in caricatura in all the print-shops.
The DULLISSIMO MACCARONI. To mistake this house of all others
for an inn, and my father's old friend for an innkeeper! What a
swaggering puppy must he take me for! What a silly puppy do
I find myself! There again, may I be hanged, my dear, but I
mistook you for the bar-maid.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Dear me! dear me! I'm sure there's nothing
in my BEHAVIOUR to put me on a level with one of that stamp.

MARLOW. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But I was in for a list of
blunders, and could not help making you a subscriber. My
stupidity saw everything the wrong way. I mistook your assiduity
for assurance, and your simplicity for allurement. But it's over.
This house I no more show MY face in.

MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige
you. I'm sure I should be sorry to affront any gentleman who
has been so polite, and said so many civil things to me. I'm sure
I should be sorry (pretending to cry) if he left the family upon my
account. I'm sure I should be sorry if people said anything amiss,
since I have no fortune but my character.

MARLOW. (Aside.) By Heaven! she weeps. This is the first mark
of tenderness I ever had from a modest woman, and it touches me.
(To her.) Excuse me, my lovely girl; you are the only part of the
family I leave with reluctance. But to be plain with you, the difference
of our birth, fortune, and education, makes an honourable connexion
impossible; and I can never harbour a thought of seducing simplicity
that trusted in my honour, of bringing ruin upon one whose only
fault was being too lovely.

MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Generous man! I now begin to
admire him. (To him.) But I am sure my family is as good as Miss
Hardcastle's; and though I'm poor, that's no great misfortune to
a contented mind; and, until this moment, I never thought that it
was bad to want fortune.

MARLOW. And why now, my pretty simplicity?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Because it puts me at a distance from one
that, if I had a thousand pounds, I would give it all to.

MARLOW. (Aside.) This simplicity bewitches me, so that if I
stay, I'm undone. I must make one bold effort, and leave her.
(To her.) Your partiality in my favour, my dear, touches me
most sensibly: and were I to live for myself alone, I could easily
fix my choice. But I owe too much to the opinion of the world,
too much to the authority of a father; so that-- I can scarcely
speak it-- it affects me. Farewell.
[Exit.]

MISS HARDCASTLE. I never knew half his merit till now. He
shall not go, if I have power or art to detain him. I'll still
preserve the character in which I STOOPED TO CONQUER;
but will undeceive my papa, who perhaps may laugh him out
of his resolution. [Exit.]


Enter Tony and MISS NEVILLE.


TONY. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time. I have
done my duty. She has got the jewels again, that's a sure
thing; but she believes it was all a mistake of the servants.

MISS NEVILLE. But, my dear cousin, sure you won't forsake
us in this distress? If she in the least suspects that I am
going off, I shall certainly be locked up, or sent to my aunt
Pedigree's, which is ten times worse.

TONY. To be sure, aunts of all kinds are damned bad things.
But what can I do? I have got you a pair of horses that will fly
like Whistle-jacket; and I'm sure you can't say but I have
courted you nicely before her face. Here she comes, we must
court a bit or two more, for fear she should suspect us. [They
retire, and seem to fondle.]


Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE.


MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I was greatly fluttered, to be sure.
But my son tells me it was all a mistake of the servants. I shan't
be easy, however, till they are fairly married, and then let her
keep her own fortune. But what do I see? fondling together,
as I'm alive. I never saw Tony so sprightly before. Ah! have
I caught you, my pretty doves? What, billing, exchanging stolen
glances and broken murmurs? Ah!

TONY. As for murmurs, mother, we grumble a little now and
then, to be sure. But there's no love lost between us.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. A mere sprinkling, Tony, upon the flame,
only to make it burn brighter.

MISS NEVILLE. Cousin Tony promises to give us more of his
company at home. Indeed, he shan't leave us any more. It
won't leave us, cousin Tony, will it?

TONY. O! it's a pretty creature. No, I'd sooner leave my
horse in a pound, than leave you when you smile upon one so.
Your laugh makes you so becoming.

MISS NEVILLE. Agreeable cousin! Who can help admiring that
natural humour, that pleasant, broad, red, thoughtless
(patting his cheek)-- ah! it's a bold face.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pretty innocence!

TONY. I'm sure I always loved cousin Con.'s hazle eyes, and her
pretty long fingers, that she twists this way and that over the
haspicholls, like a parcel of bobbins.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he would charm the bird from the tree.
I was never so happy before. My boy takes after his father,
poor Mr. Lumpkin, exactly. The jewels, my dear Con., shall be
yours incontinently. You shall have them. Isn't he a sweet boy,
my dear? You shall be married to-morrow, and we'll put off the
rest of his education, like Dr. Drowsy's sermons, to a fitter
opportunity.


Enter DIGGORY.


DIGGORY. Where's the 'squire? I have got a letter for your
worship.

TONY. Give it to my mamma. She reads all my letters first.

DIGGORY. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands.

TONY. Who does it come from?

DIGGORY. Your worship mun ask that o' the letter itself.

TONY. I could wish to know though (turning the letter, and
gazing on it).

MISS NEVILLE. (Aside.) Undone! undone! A letter to him from
Hastings. I know the hand. If my aunt sees it, we are ruined for
ever. I'll keep her employed a little if I can. (To MRS.
HARDCASTLE.) But I have not told you, madam, of my cousin's
smart answer just now to Mr. Marlow. We so laughed.-- You
must know, madam.-- This way a little, for he must not hear us.
[They confer.]

TONY. (Still gazing.) A damned cramp piece of penmanship,
as ever I saw in my life. I can read your print hand very well.
But here are such handles, and shanks, and dashes, that one
can scarce tell the head from the tail.-- "To Anthony Lumpkin,
Esquire." It's very odd, I can read the outside of my letters,
where my own name is, well enough; but when I come to open
it, it's all-- buzz. That's hard, very hard; for the inside of the
letter is always the cream of the correspondence.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! Very well, very well. And so
my son was too hard for the philosopher.

MISS NEVILLE. Yes, madam; but you must hear the rest,
madam. A little more this way, or he may hear us. You'll hear
how he puzzled him again.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. He seems strangely puzzled now himself,
methinks.

TONY. (Still gazing.) A damned up and down hand, as if it
was disguised in liquor.-- (Reading.) Dear Sir,-- ay, that's that.
Then there's an M, and a T, and an S, but whether the next be
an izzard, or an R, confound me, I cannot tell.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. What's that, my dear? Can I give you any
assistance?

MISS NEVILLE. Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp
hand better than I. (Twitching the letter from him.) Do you know
who it is from?

TONY. Can't tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder.

MISS NEVILLE. Ay, so it is. (Pretending to read.) Dear 'Squire,
hoping that you're in health, as I am at this present. The
gentlemen of the Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of
Goose-green quite out of feather. The odds--um--odd battle--um--
long fighting--um--here, here, it's all about cocks and fighting;
it's of no consequence; here, put it up, put it up. (Thrusting the
crumpled letter upon him.)

TONY. But I tell you, miss, it's of all the consequence in the world.
I would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do you
make it out. Of no consequence! (Giving MRS. HARDCASTLE the
letter.)

MRS. HARDCASTLE. How's this?--(Reads.) "Dear 'Squire, I'm now
waiting for Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair, at the bottom
of the garden, but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey.
I expect you'll assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised.
Dispatch is necessary, as the HAG (ay, the hag), your mother, will
otherwise suspect us! Yours, Hastings." Grant me patience. I
shall run distracted! My rage chokes me.

MISS NEVILLE. I hope, madam, you'll suspend your resentment
for a few moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or
sinister design, that belongs to another.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Curtseying very low.) Fine spoken, madam,
you are most miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the
very pink of courtesy and circumspection, madam. (Changing
her tone.) And you, you great ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense
enough to keep your mouth shut: were you, too, joined against
me? But I'll defeat all your plots in a moment. As for you, madam,
since you have got a pair of fresh horses ready, it would be cruel
to disappoint them. So, if you please, instead of running away
with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to run off with ME.
Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I'll warrant me.
You too, sir, may mount your horse, and guard us upon the
way. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory! I'll show you, that I wish
you better than you do yourselves. [Exit.]

MISS NEVILLE. So now I'm completely ruined.

TONY. Ay, that's a sure thing.

MISS NEVILLE. What better could be expected from being
connected with such a stupid fool,-- and after all the nods
and signs I made him?

TONY. By the laws, miss, it was your own cleverness, and not
my stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice and so
busy with your Shake-bags and Goose-greens, that I thought
you could never be making believe.


Enter HASTINGS.


HASTINGS. So, sir, I find by my servant, that you have shown
my letter, and betrayed us. Was this well done, young
gentleman?

TONY. Here's another. Ask miss there, who betrayed you.
Ecod, it was her doing, not mine.


Enter MARLOW.


MARLOW. So I have been finely used here among you. Rendered
contemptible, driven into ill manners, despised, insulted, laughed
at.

TONY. Here's another. We shall have old Bedlam broke loose
presently.

MISS NEVILLE. And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all owe
every obligation.

MARLOW. What can I say to him, a mere boy, an idiot, whose
ignorance and age are a protection?

HASTINGS. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace
correction.

MISS NEVILLE. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make
himself merry with all our embarrassments.

HASTINGS. An insensible cub.

MARLOW. Replete with tricks and mischief.

TONY. Baw! damme, but I'll fight you both, one after the
other----with baskets.

MARLOW. As for him, he's below resentment. But your conduct,
Mr. Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes,
yet would not undeceive me.

HASTINGS. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is
this a time for explanations? It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow.

MARLOW. But, sir----

MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake
till it was too late to undeceive you.


Enter Servant.


SERVANT. My mistress desires you'll get ready immediately,
madam. The horses are putting to. Your hat and things
are in the next room. We are to go thirty miles before morning.
[Exit Servant.]

MISS NEVILLE. Well, well: I'll come presently.

MARLOW. (To HASTINGS.) Was it well done, sir, to assist in
rendering me ridiculous? To hang me out for the scorn of all
my acquaintance? Depend upon it, sir, I shall expect an
explanation.

HASTINGS. Was it well done, sir, if you're upon that subject,
to deliver what I entrusted to yourself, to the care of another
sir?

MISS NEVILLE. Mr. Hastings! Mr. Marlow! Why will you increase
my distress by this groundless dispute? I implore, I entreat you--


Enter Servant.


SERVANT. Your cloak, madam. My mistress is impatient. [Exit
Servant.]

MISS NEVILLE. I come. Pray be pacified. If I leave you thus, I
shall die with apprehension.


Enter Servant.


SERVANT. Your fan, muff, and gloves, madam. The horses are
waiting.

MISS NEVILLE. O, Mr. Marlow! if you knew what a scene of
constraint and ill-nature lies before me, I'm sure it would convert
your resentment into pity.

MARLOW. I'm so distracted with a variety of passions, that I
don't know what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive
me. You know my hasty temper, and should not exasperate it.

HASTINGS. The torture of my situation is my only excuse.

MISS NEVILLE. Well, my dear Hastings, if you have that esteem
for me that I think, that I am sure you have, your constancy for
three years will but increase the happiness of our future connexion.
If--

MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Within.) Miss Neville. Constance, why
Constance, I say.

MISS NEVILLE. I'm coming. Well, constancy, remember, constancy
is the word. [Exit.]

HASTINGS. My heart! how can I support this? To be so near
happiness, and such happiness!

MARLOW. (To Tony.) You see now, young gentleman, the effects
of your folly. What might be amusement to you, is here
disappointment, and even distress.

TONY. (From a reverie.) Ecod, I have hit it. It's here. Your
hands. Yours and yours, my poor Sulky!-- My boots there, ho!--
Meet me two hours hence at the bottom of the garden; and if
you don't find Tony Lumpkin a more good-natured fellow than
you thought for, I'll give you leave to take my best horse, and
Bet Bouncer into the bargain. Come along. My boots, ho!
[Exeunt.]
 

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